The Contract

Okay so all of my children are creative, smart, beautiful, friendly, entertaining, BUT NONE i repeat NONE of them are well-behaved. But today I am venting about just one of those little darlins. To keep from embarrassing her by calling her name, we'll just call her Uncle Fester since that's who she looked like as a baby. SOOOO this morning U.F. sat there laying her head on the table while i fixed her breakfast(normal start to this Monday!) Everyone else ate their breakfast while she sat there staring off into space. I told her 3 times to take her medicine. After she joined everyone else 20 minutes late getting ready I asked for confirmation about the meds. 4 requests later we finally took it. Same deal with the brushing hair, putting on pants, and socks and shoes. AND NOOOOOOOO it is NOT okay to put back on the same underwear you wore yesterday!!! AND STOOOOOOOOOOP picking your nose and wiping boogers on my furniture!!!!! As I brushed her hair (because she undoubtedly did NOT do it after my umpteen jillion requests) she put her hands up to stop me from brushing it "cause u hurt when u brush it waaaahhhhhhh" I asked her to move her hands and even said PLEASE to which she replied, 'NO". Are you freaking kidding me you little 8 year old diva????? Did you SERIOUSLY just say NO OUTLOUD to ME, your MOTHER, the one who went through days of hard labor and 30 minutes of ADDITIONAL pushing AFTER your sister popped out???? ME, who nursed your little hoggy self for 18 months which has consequently made my once fabulous boobs now resemble tube socks filled with bubble wrap???? ME, who cleaned up countless GALLONS of projectile vomit because you had such severe reflux???? ME, who pays your cell phone bill, lets you participate in fastpitch, soccer, dance, etc!!!! You must be speaking to someone else!! and her reply was, "You're mean mama!" So knowing it is my duty to get her an education....i let her go to school with some nappy hair. After dropping them off, I enjoyed the quiet for about 10 minutes when the phone rang. It was UNCLE FESTER who forgot her book that she HAD to have by 10:30. I almost said tough, but I reluctantly delivered the book. BUT before i gave it to her i made her sign my contract!!! As follows>>>>>

To Whom It May Concern(Yee child who does not appreciate Thy mother)..."Bring me my book cause I have to have it by 10:30" is a personal problem. I LOVE helping obedient, helpful children with personal problems. Has YOUR current behavior landed you in the category of children whom I enjoy helping? I think not. So, this is my resignation letter. I, alleged mother of 4 Thornhill children, will not rescue said children from personal problems UNLESS they meet the following criteria: Obedience, picking up after themselves, respectful dialog, no fist fighting, and absolutely no wiping boogers on my furniture.

She signed it. I handed over the book. She went back to class. I feel much better for now, but wonder what lawyer will be willing to represent me when i have to sue her for breach of contract?

The saga of Bertha

Most of you know that when we paid the last payment on my van she became Bertha, a member of our family. Just like the rest of the members of our family some days she behaves perfectly and some days she makes me want to pull my hair out!! I used to joke that i would drive her until the wheels fell off.....after double blow out in one day I stopped saying that! Then i said i would drive her till the doors fell off....well, anyone who saw us @ car riders THAT day knows the rest of the story, but long story short, the door came off track and just hung off the van @ the top. Brent TRIED to blame this whole situation on me but I STILL don't buy that! Just because i speed up and slam on the breaks to shut the sliding doors does not mean it's MY fault it slid off track!!! sooooo now I only say she's a member of the family and she ain't leaving anytime soon. The next ailment she had was the crack in the gas tank which was entertaining when i had to fill her up. Nice people were always concerned that gas runs out the bottom of the tank while i am pumping it in. But like Scarlett, "i won't think about that today..." Last week Bertha died right in the MIDDLE of switching lanes @ car rider pick up. Everyone who knows me knows I suffer from severe car rider line road rage. It was not fun to have the same folks who usually irritate me to no end honking @ me and muttering things that I am quite sure weren't nice. To help ease the pain I just stood there and waved like the pretty princess I am. A HUGE shout out to The car rider ladies for helping me out!! They rock! While i was sitting there, several 5th graders joined my crew in shouting "GO BERTHA GO" over and over which made Bertha feel so much love that after ALL the traffic was gone she mustered up the energy to make it home. Yesterday I decided it was time to clean Bertha up since she spits shoes, corndogs, soccer balls, and various other items at every person who opens her doors. 16 half-eaten corn dogs, enough chicken nuggets to feed a daycare, 9 pairs of jeans(and they wonder why they never have clean jeans), 23 shoes(some pairs, some singles), 2 soccer balls, homecoming shakers and mums, too many socks to count, and various papers i am sure were supposed to have been returned to school LATER, i could see the floor board!!! WHOOOO HOOOO!!! I also found where the gnat population had been breeding...a little science experiment the kids had going in the door pocket you DO NOT want me to describe. The carpet is still rainbow colored but Bertha is lookin' good!!! YAY ME!!!! Let's hope she stays well and clean for a long time to come!!!

Hello friends!!!(and u nosy non-friends!!) I finally found the time to start THE BLOG! The purpose of this blog is to spread a little laughter cause my life is FULL of it! Sometimes it helps calm the chaos by putting it down in black and white. The only good quote from "Where The Wild Things Are" is , "I'm trying to eliminate crazy....I think crazy's still here"..... STORY OF MY LIFE!!! so let's all laugh together!

I woke up this morning as usual with 1 kid under my arm pit and tiny toes making footprint bruises on my cheek. It's Monday so of course they were all moving at 99 year old Grandma speed. I REPEATEDLY have to remind the little darlins that I only cook for special occasions like birthdays or testing week! So on they trudged with their super healthy breakfast of frozen waffles. I really don't think it's too much to ask that my 5 year old puts on underwear(or panties as everyone in our female dominant household refers to them as) at the table. Especially when he stands up to "make an announcement" with wenicus dangling just over table level. SERIOUSLY, son, drawers are a good thang. 3 or 4 fist fights later, a few thrown items(kids throwing not me), a "WHHHHHHHHYYYYY do u hate me?" from an 8 year old they all 4 look presentable for school. We head out to load up in Bertha, only to find Bertha has blown a boob out!!! So we left the old gal in the garage, deflated left front and all, and headed out in Honey's car. As we r rolling down the road, i did stanky breath checks to find 2 out of 4 DID NOT brush their teeth!! GROSS! soooooo I had them "brush" with a paper towel and suck on a peppermint while promising not to get too close to anyone!! I dropped them off on time(YAY ME!!!!) and THAT's when I realized that it takes the silence after I drop them off to make me appreciate the loudness when they r there. We are a totally dysfunctional family, but I wouldn't have it any other way!!!