The Contract

Okay so all of my children are creative, smart, beautiful, friendly, entertaining, BUT NONE i repeat NONE of them are well-behaved. But today I am venting about just one of those little darlins. To keep from embarrassing her by calling her name, we'll just call her Uncle Fester since that's who she looked like as a baby. SOOOO this morning U.F. sat there laying her head on the table while i fixed her breakfast(normal start to this Monday!) Everyone else ate their breakfast while she sat there staring off into space. I told her 3 times to take her medicine. After she joined everyone else 20 minutes late getting ready I asked for confirmation about the meds. 4 requests later we finally took it. Same deal with the brushing hair, putting on pants, and socks and shoes. AND NOOOOOOOO it is NOT okay to put back on the same underwear you wore yesterday!!! AND STOOOOOOOOOOP picking your nose and wiping boogers on my furniture!!!!! As I brushed her hair (because she undoubtedly did NOT do it after my umpteen jillion requests) she put her hands up to stop me from brushing it "cause u hurt when u brush it waaaahhhhhhh" I asked her to move her hands and even said PLEASE to which she replied, 'NO". Are you freaking kidding me you little 8 year old diva????? Did you SERIOUSLY just say NO OUTLOUD to ME, your MOTHER, the one who went through days of hard labor and 30 minutes of ADDITIONAL pushing AFTER your sister popped out???? ME, who nursed your little hoggy self for 18 months which has consequently made my once fabulous boobs now resemble tube socks filled with bubble wrap???? ME, who cleaned up countless GALLONS of projectile vomit because you had such severe reflux???? ME, who pays your cell phone bill, lets you participate in fastpitch, soccer, dance, etc!!!! You must be speaking to someone else!! and her reply was, "You're mean mama!" So knowing it is my duty to get her an education....i let her go to school with some nappy hair. After dropping them off, I enjoyed the quiet for about 10 minutes when the phone rang. It was UNCLE FESTER who forgot her book that she HAD to have by 10:30. I almost said tough, but I reluctantly delivered the book. BUT before i gave it to her i made her sign my contract!!! As follows>>>>>

To Whom It May Concern(Yee child who does not appreciate Thy mother)..."Bring me my book cause I have to have it by 10:30" is a personal problem. I LOVE helping obedient, helpful children with personal problems. Has YOUR current behavior landed you in the category of children whom I enjoy helping? I think not. So, this is my resignation letter. I, alleged mother of 4 Thornhill children, will not rescue said children from personal problems UNLESS they meet the following criteria: Obedience, picking up after themselves, respectful dialog, no fist fighting, and absolutely no wiping boogers on my furniture.

She signed it. I handed over the book. She went back to class. I feel much better for now, but wonder what lawyer will be willing to represent me when i have to sue her for breach of contract?